


Better Safe Than Sorry

by BitterlyJittery



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Pining, warning: homophobia mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:54:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22140616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BitterlyJittery/pseuds/BitterlyJittery
Summary: Logan contemplates his friendship with Patton. Would he ever want something more? Was that even a possibility?
Relationships: One-sided Pining Logicality
Comments: 1
Kudos: 17





	Better Safe Than Sorry

“Logan, what do you think about soulmates?” **  
**

Patton’s question had come suddenly, unexpectedly out of the silence the two were sharing as they laid together under the covers of Logan’s bed. Logan shifted his position, lying on his back.

“It’s an interesting concept to be sure,” he responded. He looked up at the painted glow-in-the-dark constellations that dotted his ceiling.

“I don’t believe in them in a literal sense of course, but it functions very well as a literary device.”

“Like in fanfics?” Patton offered.

Logan pretended he wasn’t embarrassed by the implication that he frequently read fanfiction. After all, there was nothing particularly wrong about doing so, but it was a somewhat self-indulgent (and less than scholarly) pastime.

“Yes, like in fanfics.”

Patton let out a small laugh before going silent again. A few moments later, he said,

“I guess those kinds of stories kinda give me hope, you know? Like somewhere out there, there’s someone waiting, even for a gay, ace, demiromantic guy like me.”

He shrugged.

“Well, at least I think I’m gay. I’ve only ever been attracted to guys, so I’m preeeetty sure. More solid on those other two I guess.”

“Well if it’s in any way conciliation, I don’t understand sexual attraction either,” Logan confessed.

“I know, right?” Patton exclaimed. “Like, I get that people are attractive, but why would you want to build a relationship on that alone?”

“Right, exactly. I can’t imagine looking at someone and my first thought being ‘wow, I want to have sex with them.’”

“Yeah! Do people really build relationships off just that?” Patton scooted closer to Logan. “Hey, you think you could move closer to the wall? I feel like I’m gonna fall off the bed.”

“Oh, yes, no problem. Sorry.” Logan shifted back to his side, moving closer to the wall so Patton had enough room.

All at once, a whirl of motion took place on the little bed. Logan honestly wasn’t quite sure how it had happened, but somehow he was now practically on top of Patton in what seemed to be a full body, or at least full torso, hug.

Normally, Logan would be extremely uncomfortable with any prolonged form of touch.

Normally he’d be remiss to give certain people even a high-five.

Normally, hugging, hand-holding, and snuggling were completely, absolutely, one hundred percent off the table actions.

So why didn’t he mind all three from Patton?

No, not only did he not mind it…

He almost seemed to crave it.

He figured he was likely experiencing touch starvation, defined colloquially as a strong desire for generally non-sexual positive physical interaction with another person.

And if this was helping fix such an issue… why not let it commence?

Thusly, he did.

“I’m not really sure about dating in general, to be honest,” Patton continued right where they had left off. “I mean, I like the concept! It sounds really nice, actually… But I don’t know, I just don’t think I could do it right now…”

Logan nodded. “I think I understand where you’re coming from. I agree that having a romantic partner does sound… pleasant, but we’re in such a formative and unstable period of our lives right now… People leave. They go off their own ways, and thusly, relationships of all kinds change…”

Logan’s hand gripped Patton’s more tightly.

When had they started holding hands in the first place?

“If I date someone, I want something lasting. Something that I know won’t just end in a year or two once we go off in different directions in our lives…”

A small “Yeah.” was Patton’s only response.

“But… Maybe that’s a good thing,” Logan said, breaking the silence that had temporarily befallen them. “If you don’t date, you can’t get your heart broken.”

Logan’s head was still facing the wall, so he couldn’t see Patton’s face as he softly let go of his hand.

“My heart gets broken every day, Logan.”

His tone was suddenly hushed, choked.

“And every day, I have to put it back together again.”

Oh no.

Ohhhhhhh no.

Patton was crying.

This was getting very emotionally charged, what was he supposed to do? Was he supposed to comfort him? Offer advice?

“You know how I said I was going to cut that bad friend off?” Patton asked. Tears were no doubt streaming down his cheeks, but Logan still wasn’t able to see. “That I was going to be strong? Well, I’m trying, I’m trying my hardest but… But I don’t know how much longer I can do this… I have to shut myself down, shut myself off. I put up a wall with them but they keep breaking it down… You know when you’re touch starved?”

“Um, yes,” was Logan’s astute reply.

“Well, I was like that, but the opposite. My friend would pressure me into physical contact when I wasn’t comfortable with it, I actually had to quarantine myself from any physical contact for a while, do you know how hard that is for me?” Patton’s voice was watery, and he sniffed before saying,

“I know it’s dumb, that I should let it go, but I…” He took a shaky breath.

“All I wanted to do since I was little was to save the world. That’s why me and Roman have been such good friends since elementary school, we both wanted to do that… the impossible, I guess.”

Logan could hear Patton’s hand shift beneath the covers. He guessed that he was using it to wipe his eyes.

“I grew up on stories of heros… I thought that there’s good in everyone and everything. And you know what? Even now, I still believe that. Even when people take and take and take from me for three straight years…”

He sighed, sniffling again.

“I-…After all that, I’m still orange.”

Patton had synesthesia, and orange was the color of people who wanted to make a difference in the world. He had told Logan this before, said it shone most vibrantly from Roman and Patton himself, but that he’d sometimes see hints of it in Logan. Logan couldn’t fathom why.

He felt a pit in his stomach. What exactly was he feeling? Sorrow? Remorse? Pity? “Bad” wasn’t going to cut it. He tried to push it to the side. Patton was feeling sad, maybe even angry at himself.

Come on Logan, think…

“I… I-”

The words got caught in his throat.

“I, uh…”

Logan exhaled in frustration.

“I’m… not very good at comforting words. In fact, I wish we were having this conversation over text and not in person, because then I’d have extra time to think to think of something smart and reasonable to say… “

He paused again, words yet again escaping him. What was he supposed to say? Patton was such an emotional person, sometimes Logan wondered why he had chosen him, an emotionally-stunted bookworm, as one of his best friends and confidants. He took a deep breath, deciding to say what he might want someone to say to him in such a situation.

“I guess… I’m here, Patton. I always have been here, I’m here now, and I’ll continue to be here. No matter what else happens.”

Logan prayed that was sufficient. He waited for a response from Patton, but heard only sniffles. Had he said something wrong? Was that too clingy of a response? What did he want? Perhaps Logan could provide better emotional support and/or comfort if he asked Patton directectly. Yes, open communication was an important part of any relationship, romantic or otherwise, and he figured there was no harm in asking.

“What do you need? Emotionally.”

Silence. Perhaps he’d taken it the wrong way?

“That wasn’t a rhetorical question, by the way, I really am curious.”

“I’m sorry, I was just thinking…” Patton responded.

“I think… what I really need right now is to work on me. I’ve been doing better lately, don’t get me wrong! I’m not crying every day any more, that’s good! It’s progress, I just… I’m still working on getting over the whole “saving the world” thing. I need to realize that I can’t save everyone, and it’s okay if I can only save myself.”

Logan nodded, then realized Patton probably couldn’t see him all that well either, as it was dark and neither of them were wearing their glasses.

“Yes, that does sound like an admirable goal,” he vocalized.

And it did, and it was, Logan couldn’t disagree with wanting to better oneself. However, a small part of him was somewhat disappointed. There was nothing he could really do. Perhaps he should have asked what Patton needed from him, but it was too late for that now.

“Are you crying?” Patton asked out of the blue.

“No,” Logan stated simply.

“I was.”

“I know.”

Patton let out a muffled laugh at Logan’s dry response.

The pair of them laid in silence for a while after that, Patton presumably collecting himself, Logan trying desperately to ignore his pounding heartbeat and hoping to high heaven Patton couldn’t feel it.

“Hey Lo… You’re comfortable with this, right?”

Patton finally asked.

“Comfortable with what?” Logan inquired, somewhat confused.

“With all this physical contact. I know you’re usually not a huge fan of it, and I don’t want to pressure you into anything you’re not comfortable with-”

Logan scoffed at the comment.

“Of course I am! Do you really think I’d be quite literally laying across you if I wasn’t? I won’t even engage in as little as a high-five with someone I don’t like, yet you ask if I’m uncomfortable. Unbelievable.”

Patton laughed, a real, genuine, un-tearful laugh.

“You sound so offended!”

“Perhaps I am.” He intended this as a joke, but, like all of his humor, it came out extremely dry.

Luckily, Patton was used to this.

“Well, I’m sorry. I was just making sure!”

Logan shifted his position in the bed again, this time laying on his side so he could face Patton.

“Insinuating that I dislike your particular contact,” He muttered while doing so.

Logan still couldn’t see very well, but he thought he could make out a blurry smile on Patton’s face.

Suddenly, Patton pulled Logan’s body close to his own.

Logan’s heartbeat, which had just regulated itself back to a normal resting pace, sped right back up.

They were gripping each other tightly and Patton was rapidly getting closer to him and Logan didn’t know what he was doing, it was like his body had mind of its own as he leaned in and planted a kiss on Patton’s neck, of all places.

Logan pulled back a little, absolutely mortified.

Had he really just done that? Why did he just do that? It was some sort of weird, instinctual thing, he hadn’t meant to…

Had Patton noticed?

He wasn’t saying anything, wasn’t making any sort of indication that he was even aware of what had just transpired between them…

Good.

That was a fluke, and if Patton had noticed, they’d have to open up a whole other can of worms, one that Logan was not about to deal with at one in the morning.

He took a deep breath, working to regulate both his shallow breathing and erratic heart rate.

Patton still laid contentedly, unaware as far as Logan could tell. He was looking up towards the ceiling, probably still smiling. All of a sudden, he gasped.

“Weren’t you going to tell me those neat space facts you were reading about earlier?” He asked. He sounded eager, but tired, as if he was fighting off a yawn.

“Oh? Yes, I can do that now, if you’d like. Where to start… Well, NASA recently launched a mission to learn more about the geological makeup of Mars, specifically in regards to what causes near microscopic tremors on its surface. Unlike Earth, Mars doesn’t have a fragmented outer shell…”

Patton was asleep before Logan could finish elaborating on his own theory about how Mars was formed.

He didn’t mind, however. Patton likely wasn’t going to remember this conversation, meaning he’d ask about it again tomorrow, when Logan could provide a more in-depth analysis anyway.

Carefully, making sure he wouldn’t disturb the sleeping Patton, Logan flipped himself over so he was once again facing the wall.

With Patton asleep, he was now alone with his thoughts.

First and foremost being: was he romantically attracted to Patton?

Thinking about the possibility of them as romantic partners elicited a few responses from Logan. A warmth in his gut when he thought about them being more intimate, emotionally and physically. Not in a sexual manner however, as they both had made it clear that wasn’t something they desired. Logan had never been that intimate with anyone before, heck, he’d never been as intimate with anyone as he was with Patton right now. Sharing beds? Snuggling? Those were things he’d only ever done with his little brother Virgil when they were kids and he had a nightmare. He’d never done this with a friend before.

He bet Patton had.

Patton was vulnerable, open. He loved physical contact, Logan was sure he snuggled with all of his friends at some point. Spilled private emotions like it was no big deal. Logan likely wasn’t anything special to him. Just another friend.

Logan didn’t have a problem with that, he was more than happy for Patton’s friendship. Besides, he’d never even been in a relationship before… That lead him to another response he had at the thought of them pairing up romantically.

Fear.

What if he screwed it up completely? He was terrible with feelings, and oh boy did Patton have a lot of them… What if he ended up saying or doing something wrong? What if he somehow made Patton despise him?

What if he broke his heart?

He wouldn’t be able to live with himself…

Of course, the fear didn’t only stem from internal sources. There was, of course, the looming and ever-present issue of his family’s homophobia.

“I don’t have a problem with gay people, of course, we should love everyone,” they’d say. “However,” and there was always a however, “I believe that marriage is strictly between a man and a woman, and I can’t support that kind of lifestyle.”

How thrilled they’d be to learn their Logan, the straight-A wonder boy of the family, was a gay asexual.

Currently, his plan for his sexuality was to not mention it even once until he got married or was on his deathbed, but Patton…

Patton was open, very open, about his sexuality, something Logan greatly admired.

But how would that translate if they were to start dating? Patton would no doubt want to go public with it, and if Logan’s parents found out…

Well, the outcome likely wouldn’t be favorable for either party involved.

But he was getting ahead of himself. These problems would only arise if Patton wanted to date him at all, which was highly unlikely. As he had stated before, Patton was demiromantic, and deeply valued platonic relationships. Logan certainly didn’t have a problem with their relationship remaining platonic, it wasn’t as if he had some insatiable, burning desire to be Patton’s boyfriend or anything.

Even if it might possibly be somewhat nice.

At long last, and after a night full of deliberation, he ultimately decided to do what he normally did when he had emotional trouble.

He would bottle whatever he was feeling up, and stow it on a proverbial shelf in the back of his mind.

He would continue being Patton’s friend, because that’s what they both needed, and never tell him about his complex and somewhat messy feelings about him in a romantic regard.

Because as inviting as the positive aspects may have sounded, he couldn’t lie to himself. No matter how sound or unsound it was, his fear was a lot larger. Fear of changing their dynamic, fear of rejection, fear of harming and being harmed, fear from inside and out.

In the end, it was better to stay safe than be sorry.

Wasn’t it?


End file.
